Why Bring Flowers?

Used to be Love, Flowers, and Goodbye

Tildie slowly exhaled and closed her laptop. Every morning after meditations, she checked her emails and social media. Now and then Tildie would come across the story of the eighty-year-old man who walked five miles to have breakfast with his wife in a memory care facility. When people asked him why he continued to go daily for so many years if she didn’t remember him; his answer always gave Clotilde “Tildie” Delsapo reason to pause: “She doesn’t remember me, but I remember her, and I haven’t forgotten how we used to be.”

Tildie dressed this morning with an old Barbara Streisand – Neil Diamond duet on her mind. The song, “You Don’t Bring Me Flowers” had taken on a new meaning for her. On rough days she would sing it fighting back the tears.

Today Tildie decided to stop on her way and buy fresh flowers from the garden nursery. She knew Sergio could still appreciate the beauty and perhaps the sweet fragrance would trigger a memory. She would make sure there were sprigs of lavender with hopes that somewhere in his new world he would find her.

At one time Sergio and Tildie were two spirits bound by love flying high above the clouds and earthly troubles. It wasn’t all rainbows and chocolates, but she had chosen to file the bad memories in a separate place. Tildie remembered the laughter, the tenderness and the adventures they shared. She remembered their late night talks. In her arms he was able to unlock the complex emotions he kept hidden from the rest. Tildie recalled how finding a smiley face on a post-it note in her notebook, kept a silly grin on her face for the rest of the day.

Sergio Miviere taught her many things about the world, about love, about herself. He helped her believe in her talents and pursue her dreams. Sometimes as they ate ice cream by the seashore, they would people watch. They would sit close together and whisper stories. They could build on each other’s imagination to create vignettes about their surroundings. “How do you come up with this stuff?” he told her often as he giggled like a small boy.

He had a scholar’s mind and could rationalize or give explanations in great detail about anything. Teaching was second nature, everything was a life-lesson, and she loved to hear him talk about the world around them. Yes, she thought, intelligence IS sexy.

She first started to notice a problem, when he talked to her of people she didn’t know, or he would say, “Remember the other day we were at …” but she had never been there. He had been there for business or with friends. She wanted to ignore the signs, but others started to ask concerned questions.

By far the saddest moment was when Sergio finally put aside his pride and acknowledged that his difficulty went beyond distraction or the stress having a lot on his mind. She watched him change before her eyes as he became angry and fearful of what was to come. Tildie promised Sergio all her love; to be with him forever.

In the years that followed they took extra care to cherish every moment. Every sunrise and sunset marked another day they were together. They received each day in gratitude, but little by little Sergio went down a path that left Tildie behind, alone to make difficult decisions.

The day Sergio moved to the care center was just another day of muddled talk and confusion for him. He stared at the ceiling as they helped him to bed unable to find words to ask questions. In that bed, Tildie left a shell of the man she loved, but also a piece of her heart. That night she couldn’t sleep, and the next morning she was at the Center by his bed before he awoke. He didn’t know who she was, but she knew him. She remembered who they used to be, Sergio and Tildie.

On good days Tildie thought there was a flicker of recognition. He would let her lay in bed with him. She liked to believe that his spirit remembered hers. She held him and sang to him “May I have this Dance?” until he fell asleep.

Today there was a vase of fresh flowers on the desk by the window with sprigs of lavender. Sergio’s eyes widened, perhaps in recognition of a memory they shared, but he no longer had the words. These moments had become Tildie’s life. How could she learn to say goodbye?

The more I write, the more I become aware of my process, and I’m beginning to see patterns in my writing. Even though I don’t post every day, I make it my business to sit down and work on something. I wrote this piece for my critique group this week. It’s flash fiction, and my challenge is trying to stay within the 750 words. I looked at some things in my drafts folder and started a few other stories, but nothing seemed to motivate me enough to put energy into it.

I went to see the new “A Star is born” last weekend. It was excellent on its own but some aspects still reminded me of Barbara Streisand. I started playing some of my favorites and was inspired to write this story with limited knowledge on the subject. It was well received in the group. Coincidently, another writer shared a personal account and a few poems about the same topic from a different point of view followed by some interesting discussion. I got some great suggestions which I will work on in the future, but it will certainly be more than 750 words.

(Pictures are not my own. Borrowed from Pexels on WordPress)

A Book Review from a Writer’s Book Club

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The focus

I joined a new book club because I like to read and discuss books with likeminded people. A book club offers the opportunity to explore books and authors that wouldn’t otherwise catch my attention, and I was glad to find this one through my local writers’ group. The club’s focus is Twentieth Century Classics from a writer’s perspective. This month’s pick was “Quartet in Autumn” by Barbara Pym.

I have been writing and making up stories all my life, but it has been within the past few months that I’ve decided to own the title of “writer,” or “unpublished writer” to be exact. It had been a while since I had participated in a book club group and I liked the idea of reviewing the book as a writer to determine what makes it a classic.

The author and her book

The author, Barbara Pym, introduced the Quartet, the four main characters, at a 1970’s London office where they create an ensemble of unremarkable and unmarried middle-aged office clerks waiting to retire. Working together for many years, they develop a vague relationship bordering on friendship, but the characters, accustomed to living alone, can’t imagine crossing the line from co-workers to friends. The book has moments of British humor and elements of surprise.

I had never heard of Barbara Pym. As I began to enjoy the story, I looked her up to see what else she’d written. It turns out she has quite a following, and she often is compared to Jane Austen. There is even a Barbara Pym Society. While her writing has similarities to Austen’s stories of everyday English life, one book critic in a 2015 New Yorker article points out that Pym’s novels don’t have the fanciful happening ending. In “Quartet in Autumn” however, the story of these unassuming characters leaves one with this message from Letty Crowe: “But at least it made one realize that life still held infinite possibilities for change.”

How it relates

I liked the book from the beginning and considered it a page-turner as I read with anticipation trying to guess how the writer was going to play out the lives of the low-key characters in the story. You may have noticed that my tagline “Verbal Snapshots of a Simple Life.” That is precisely what caught my attention about “Quartet in Autumn.” It triggered an interest in more books by Barbara Pym especially after I read critics describe her work as “comfort food.” That’s precisely the feeling I would like to create in my writings. The book speaks to my conviction to treat each person with kindness because I don’t know what they struggle with in their life. Her stories focus on people doing mundane things, as everyone does in real life. If we take the time, we can notice that each person has a story and as I’ve learned, each person is the star of their own movie.

Six people besides me attended the book club meeting; three didn’t like the book at all, one was lukewarm, and the woman who recommended the book is a member of the Barbara Pym Society. Discussing books in such groups highlights the power or magic of the written word. It reminds us that how we receive a book or a story depends on where we are in our own lives. Is the writer tapping into a universal truth? Can the reader identify with the characters, why or why not? Is there anything familiar in the storyline such as time, place, occupation, relationship or social nuance?

For example, half the group thought the main characters were mere “blobs.” They saw the characters as grey people in a dark room and read the book with no expectation that it was going to offer anything more. Their final synopsis was that the novel was boring and depressing. I think however that the author’s intention was just the opposite. I think she wanted to show that we adapt to changes in our lives and find unexpected opportunities where we thought there were none. Sometimes life forces us to find alternatives to suit our personal evolution.

Writing style and expectations

It is not surprising those folks that found the book boring appeared to be of the mind that an adventure is around every corner and if it’s not there, one is obligated to find it. Fortunately, not every writer is a Hemmingway or in need an adrenaline rush to make life appear worthwhile. I tend to enjoy finding treasure in simple things. I don’t mind a quiet walk in the mornings. I do enjoy exploring and experiencing new adventures, but I am content with living a simple life where each day may or may not bring new opportunities for drama or swashbuckling pirates for example.

In the interpretation of the book, beyond the printed word, one realizes that the people portrayed in the story are not monochrome at all; they all have a particular story, and their backstory brought them to where they are in the present. The characters dreamed of different plans for their life. They didn’t envision themselves in a backroom office waiting to retire, but life happens, and they made it work for them. Even at this stage of life, they found as long as one has breath, it’s never too late to change course, and make a difference one person at a time. That is a message that I want to send in my writing as well.

Recommended

I would recommend this book to curious minds like myself, willing to discover what’s beyond that which you expect to see. I would challenge the reader to see the value and worth in others that may not be like you but have a place in your world. Take a good look at the people in your neighborhood such as the clerk at the deli counter, the valet at the parking lot, or the maintenance man in your building. Say good morning, thank you or I appreciate your service. It means I see you; I recognize the humanness in you is the same as it is in me. I believe if we can regain that human connection we make the world better one person at a time.

I hope you’ve enjoyed my book review. I’m planning to continue to share my impressions and let you know what I’ve learned from these great writers. It will be my turn soon to pick three classics for the book club to choose. We have a list, but I’d like to hear your recommendations. Thanks for stopping by.

Here’s a little more about my writing style. https://rosalind.life/2018/04/19/letter-r-reality-and-beyond/

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Why it Matters

The Question

During Thursday’s Senate Judiciary Committee hearing, Senator Kamala Harris asked Judge Brett Kavanaugh the question that crossed my mind while hearing his opening statement. “Do you agree that men can be friends with some women and treat other women badly?” To which the Judge responded, “Of course, but the point I’m trying to emphasize is…” At which time he brought up the 65 signatures of women who have been his friends since he was fourteen.

Here is a segment of Judge Kavanaugh’s opening statement: “Dr. Ford’s allegation stems from a party that she alleges occurred during the summer of 1982, 36 years ago. I was 17 years old between my junior and senior years of high school at Georgetown Prep, a rigorous, all-boys Catholic Jesuit high school in Rockville, Maryland. When my friends and I spent time together at parties on weekends, it was usually with friends from nearby Catholic all-girls high schools: Stone Ridge, Holy Child, Visitation, Immaculata, Holy Cross. Dr. Ford did not attend one of those schools. She attended an independent private school named Holton-Arms, and she was a year behind me. She and I did not travel in the same social circles. It is possible that we met at some point at some events, although I do not recall that.” Judge Brett Kavanaugh at Senate Judiciary Committee hearing.

The Belief System

For several years I co-facilitated groups on Family Violence Prevention, specifically working with men who batter. The educational model centered around the dynamics of power and control in relationships. As part of the curriculum, we explore belief systems that present one person as inferior to the other and as such may imply permission to abuse another person whether physically, verbally or emotionally.

One of the belief systems we addressed centered on the Christian teachings of the two Marys of the mentioned most New Testament. The belief dominates cultures based on strong Catholic traditions which include the Catholic Mariology dogma of a pure virgin, the Mother of God – Blessed Mother Mary. The New Testament also highlights the story of Mary Magdalene, who according to tradition was a prostitute until she met Jesus Christ, and she became a vital figure in the community of believers.

During the educational sessions, our groups explored how these traditions are passed down through generations creating a belief that categorizes women in two roles; chaste, sober women as mothers and wives, while every other woman is of less value. One group of women is protected while the other is dehumanized. Strong language I know, but I think that during the past century we continue as a nation to figure out the boundaries and social norms in response to recognizing a women’s equal human rights. I think the people in power feel threatened on many levels and in the effort to turn back the clock, we have lost that vision of justice for all.

It is my opinion that this deep-rooted belief system may be the reason why there is a detachment from the events in Judge Kavanaugh’s memories; the reason he has no recollection. In his introductory statement, he mentions the kinds of girls he chose to socialize with, girls from other Catholic Schools in the area. I’ll bet that these probably were also the daughters of his parents’ friends or the sisters of his “brothers” at Georgetown or Yale. He added that Dr. Ford “did not travel in the same social circles.” One could wonder if that perhaps that made Dr. Ford a “non-person” to young Billy Kavanaugh and his social group.

Point of View: Privilege or Tradition

My theory can explain why her name did not get noted in his calendar and why he says he does not remember. We tend to keep memories that are important to us. It was a significant memory for Dr. Christine Baisley Ford but not for Judge Kavanaugh or any of the others. The others did not feel trapped or fear for their lives. It seems that for the others at the gathering, it was as Dr. Ford described it, just like any other “spur of the moment” gathering at someone’s house. The other teens may remember it vaguely one of many chances to have a few beers, and if one got “lucky,” maybe get a piece of a$*. Dr. Ford’s friend, Leland Ingham Keyser, came forward in support of her friend although she didn’t remember the event. We don’t know what she experienced that day. There were, after all, enough “friends” left in the house for another “triangle” –two boys and a girl.

During his testimony, Judge Kavanaugh made excuses for underage drinking. Reports say he lied about the drinking age in Maryland at the time of the incident in question. Various online news sources point out the law was changed seven months before he turned eighteen in January of 1983. A couple of times he mentioned that seniors at Georgetown Prep could buy alcohol because they were of age, but didn’t own the fact that he was seventeen when enjoyed his beer. Is his view based on privilege or traditions and beliefs that “Boys will be boys?” He avoided many questions with indirect answers, and instead repeated practiced statements to take up time. Do we remember that he had coaching sessions before the hearing?

Emotional Response

The Family Violence Prevention program also had an educational unit that discussed how people use angry outbursts to intimidate and get situations under control and to turn in their favor. We see that displayed with Judge Kavanaugh and Senator Lindsay Graham, who I believe had additional reasons for his show of unbridled rage. Kavanaugh started the afternoon as I saw many men in our groups, angry, blaming others and indignant that they were accused of such terrible things. I would have had more respect for him if he had at least owned the allegations from his friend or his roommate, that he drank severely and that these circumstances presented so often, it was difficult to tell one from the other. Instead, he belittled his friends in an attempt to make their recollection of him void, without importance or significance. One he described a drug addict and the other disgruntled roommate – so much for loyalty.

How about those tears? Was he ashamed or remorseful? I’ll bet, not because he hurt these women, but because his future and the persona he worked hard to create was getting challenged. The world was learning about another side of Judge Kavanaugh. I believe Mark Judge’s testimony is in his book Wasted: Tales of a GenX Drunk, in which he described what life was like in the elite schools in the suburbs of Maryland. In it, he has a character named “Bart O’Kavanaugh.” As a writer, I rename any character based on a friend or family member. I play around with the names, leaving clues for some readers to recognize the person. I believe Mark Judge did the same but put little effort into concealing the name to protect the innocent. I wonder why?

Why it Matters in 2018

He was just a teenager in high school, a red-blooded young man in college, why does it matter now? Has it been an issue in his professional life before now? Somehow the Judge Kavanaugh that we see now, managed to effectively play the game he was trained to win early on. Could it be that his character was never questioned because he had the right credentials or the right pedigreed? The current line of questioning centered on his professional experiences, until the allegations were made public. After so many years in Washington DC, he was privy to the types of questions and then like a good athlete or debater, he began to practice and build muscle. Besides the fact that there appears to be a cover-up of his character flaws, if we look back at his decisions in lower courts, we will notice patterns of consistent rulings or dissentions based on his beliefs and conservative politics. In my opinion, they are not necessarily based on the merits of cases in front of him.

I will briefly summarize points that caught my eye as they pertain to issues that are important to me.

-He has demonstrated that he does not favor separation of church and state. A 2015 dissent indicating ACA infringes on religious freedom and that organizations should not be mandated to offer contraception to their employees. He has suggested that he is open to widening the flow of public funding to religious schools and during a CNN appearance in 2000 he predicted that the court would one day uphold school vouchers.

– He wrote a 2016 opinion saying employers can require workers to waive their right to picket in arbitration agreements.

-In 2014 ruling over an EPA rule on toxic mercury from power plants, he wrote in a dissent that EPA had acted wrongly in not weighing costs when it first decided to write a regulation.

-He said the 2010 Dodd-Frank law had wrongly placed “enormous executive power” in the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau’s single director, which Republicans and the banking industry want to replace with a multi-member commission.

-In 1999 wrote on behalf of the Center for Equal Opportunity, a group that opposes race-based affirmative action in college admissions.

Character matters

I believe our core-self develops early on. Definitely, by high school, our personality and character can reflect how we deal with what life brings our way. I am a firm believer that people can change. We mature, we evolve we come to terms with our beliefs, our strengths, and weaknesses. We remove or replace behaviors and make modifications in our lives to become better persons. Likewise, of course, some people go in the opposite direction based on personal experiences that negatively mark their lives, but I have found they live with hope to change. In either direction, in order to improve, we must acknowledge there is a problem. There must be something we want to change.

Here is another way to see what I’m trying to say. rosalind.life/2018/09/29/with-the-mouth-she-kisses-my-kids/

Will he be confirmed if nothing catastrophic shows up in the investigation this week? All things are possible. After all, DJT is President, MRP is his Vice President, and the country is littered with government-sponsored zoos that exhibit human children in cages for their safety.

Get out and vote on November 6^th!

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